Clarity

I've lost this post once, I don't know what happened on blogspot, but if it happens again I will just chalk it up to the universe not wanting me to share this information with anyone but myself.   I've achieved a bit a clarity on this vacation.  One bit of clarity is on fear and how my life has been shaped by it.  Fear of doing, fear of speaking, fear of hurt and/or harm.  In January of 2011 I walked out my front door and slid down the concrete steps destroying my ankle in the process.  The cocoon of fear and paralysis that had limited my world shattered that day.  The most physically painful thing to have happened to me in my life thus far was walking out my door.  This truth, that pain happens anytime, anywhere and we really can't protect ourselves from it began my recovery.  Sure it is important to wear our seatbelts, eat right, work out and all the other good things we can do to prevent 'bad things', but in the end, bad things will happen and the better prepared we are mentally and emotionally to deal with them the happier we'll be overall.

It took me more than a year to recover from the injury, I still have twinges, but I am very grateful for it.  It has taken me more than a year to clear the shards of the cocoon that still trap me.  Everyone asks how I am losing weight (almost 40lbs as of this writing). Well, I've always worked out, and now I eat less.  But the biggest thing for me is the acknowledgement of my emotions and processing of them.  This isn't easy. It really isn't easy in light of continuing painful interactions or miscommunications. I am having to process a backlog of sadness, resentment, anger and a host of other emotions that I was suppressing by eating as well as the emotions I feel now.  I am doing it though.  I'd rather be angry or sad than numb any longer.  I'd rather misunderstand and feel something than to ignore and eat my pains away.

Once upon a time a long time ago, a friend of mine gave me the personal motto Audeo, meaning I dare.  At that time in my life I also used the phrase 'if you don't risk, you don't win' a lot.   I had very little money, no stable relationship and very few close friends.  In some ways that made the risks easier because it seemed I had nothing to lose.  Now I have a career, stability and a wide network of close caring friends.  I have wondered if my fear has used this against me.  I have stuff/relationships to lose and fear knows it.   Fear is an awesome tenacious beast that only has to be faced to be conquered.   I am going to face it.  I want to live a whole, real, meaningful, connected, interconnected, loving, intentional, happy life.  I am not going to let fear make my choices any longer.

One fear I am consciously working on is my fear of walking down stairs.  The fall has made my psyche and body react with fear to stairs.  It is taking work to make myself go down them. But down them I go. I now use the mantra 'I am a graceful mountain goat' in my head as I go down the stairs.  Thinking about the fear or focusing on the fall only makes me clumsy and more likely to fall.  There's a truth to the saying that 'what you focus on is what you will bring to pass.'   I am definitely more graceful going down stairs.  A real triumph occurred recently when I went down stairs that felt perilous and I didn't use the handrail.  :)   Go me.

Audeo. My personal motto refound here in Alaska.